


The Queefing Queen

by tmwillson3



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Circus, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Fart Humor, Farting, Fluff and Smut, Loss of Virginity, Queefing, Virgin Ben Solo, Woman on Top, inappropriate use of songs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:29:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28544850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmwillson3/pseuds/tmwillson3
Summary: When Ben Solo, farter extraordinaire, attends an After Dark carnival show, he meets his soulmate in the form of The Amazing Rey, The Queefing Queen.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	The Queefing Queen

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AppalachianCold](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppalachianCold/gifts), [automatic_badgirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/automatic_badgirl/gifts).



> Lisa and Sarah, this is for you. It's not exactly what was prompted, but close. I hope this satisfies your desire for queefing and crack.
> 
> To everyone else, there be much crack and fart humor ahead. You were warned.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy it!

Everyone farts. 

Never tell Ben Solo the odds that someone doesn't because he knows. He farts, and he knows things. 

Even a simple farmer like himself. 

"Come one, come all, to the greatest exhibition on earth! Hear The Amazing Rey, the most exotic one-woman show ever known!"

"I got a bad feeling about this," mutters Ben as he leaves the savage carnage of the demolition derby early.

Fast, robust cars are great and all, but there's nothing quite like a loud, healthy fart to clear everything in its path, making Ben the last man standing. 

In the distance, the announcer describes the location of the main attraction of the Carnival After Dark, and Ben blindly heads in that direction, all locals parting like the Red Sea in front of him.

It's certainly not because he's a head taller than everyone else and is dressed in flannel. It's not even the hay that sticks out of his hair daily. Put simply, Ben farts, and he's not ashamed of them.

The truth is, he has no idea why he's seeing this show on its last night, but here he is. 

"Go to the performance. Have a few drinks. You'll appreciate it."

"It's a great show. You'll love it."

His friends all said something along those lines, but it was one friend who described the show as "finding his kindred fart soulmate" that finally convinced him to go, even if he hasn't the slightest clue what it implies.

It can't possibly be a girlfriend for him at long last. No girl in town wants a guy who is equally commanding from both ends, and he is  _ proud _ of his flatulence.

His father farts, and he's not afraid to let 'em rip. His grandfather farts, but they're always more dignified. 

Even his mother and grandmother do it, even if it's only a light toot, or when their husband is behind them. Rumor has it, they love a good Dutch oven for maximum effect. 

His whole family is infamous, and Ben is woefully single, with no one to share a tooting good time. However, before he can despair once more of his state of life, his mood lifts instantly, all thanks to one song.

ABBA's "The Dancing Queen" is blaring over the series of tents making up the adult section of the carnival, and never has Ben heard sweeter music. It makes him want to dance, to swing his hips...at least until onlookers give him dirty looks. One wrong move from his rear, and the entire contents of the largest striped tent would be driven out.

All the other tents are abandoned as people stream into the largest tent, and that's when he sees the sign at the top of the red and white flaps: The Amazing Rey: The Queefing Queen.

What on earth is a queef?

It's too late to ask, so he just follows the crowd, scaring a random dude and taking a front seat. He doesn't have to wait long before the lights dim in front of the red, velvet curtains, and the ringleader of the circus steps out, welcoming all to the most unique show they'll ever hear from one woman.

"Perhaps you, too, have wondered if women can fart from both holes; I'm here to tell you that Rey can. Because of the delicate nature of this once-in-a-lifetime experience, we request that no one record any part of this. Thank you for your cooperation, and may the fart be with you."

Ben quirks an approving eyebrow as the same ABBA song is played again, but the quality of music is different this time. He doesn't understand why until the refrain.

"Ooh you can dance. You can sing. Bring in the Queefing Queen!"

The red curtains swing back, revealing the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. She's also buck naked as the three buns in her hair bob jauntily with the beat. 

He sees nothing but her backside at first, and oh, what a backside she possesses! She comes sliding down a pole torturously slow, her long, thin legs wrapped around it. She makes an erotic circle as she tumbles down, gracing the audience with a view of her firm butt cheeks that make Ben horny and itching to feel them up close.

In the spotlight, that tanned, golden skin shines and alternates between expanding and contracting with skillful ease. There's no extra fat on those thighs and rear, only lean muscle that he wishes he could caress. They could make beautiful music together. 

She juts her hips out toward him in time with her head snapping back, and it's like a punch to his gut, knocking the wind out of him at the same time that he reaches half-mast, his cock eager to salute her. 

As the song continues to play, she twists languidly around the pole, showing him her profile and the first view of her breasts. In the same way her pert, little rear sticks out, begging to be touched, so, too, do her pebbled peaks, the slightest rosy tint to her nipples when she allows him glimpses of them around her arm. They point out so prettily, and when she holds her toned arms at right angles, traveling down the length of her body, they frame the glorious mounds that Ben yearns to worship. 

She makes another circle near the bottom of the pole, and he watches how her cheeks clap together from her legs stretching out and in. Simply delicious. He imagines that she could craft some whoppers of farts with that kind of force. 

She is truly created for greatness, and he tears up because he has never found such a woman. She can't possibly get better...until she does. 

As she lands in a squat, she sticks her butt out at the same time that she unleashes a squeaker, perfectly in tune with the music that has suddenly become quieter. 

That's it for him. It's love at first toot. He has found his kindred fart spirit, possibly his soulmate. He accepts her at once, mesmerized by this woman who moves like water and makes him thirst for it.

She struts with catlike ease to a golden dais, each leisurely rock of her hips making him peek a little more closely at her as the music continues at its softer level. She settles herself on the throne, stretching out her legs over the wide arms of the throne to give the crowd a perfect view of her glistening pussy. 

Thus situated, she is rendered captivating because of the thatch of curly, chestnut hair that remains over her core and frames her pretty, pink lower lips. She is comfortable in her own skin, shoulders back with a smirk on her kissable lips, and her smoldering eyes draw him in. 

She lifts up in her seat as the song comes to an end, and she undulates her whole body with practiced movements, drawing her legs together before spreading. As she does so, the music suddenly shuts off, and instead of the final note being delivered by the speaker, Rey does it. This time, using her nether lips. 

She is truly a work of art, and her pussy is a musical masterpiece. He is enraptured by her, leaning on the wooden bar separating the seats from her. He can hear the wood groan under his bulk, and it only becomes louder as she performs other vaginal tricks. Sometimes sitting, other times kneeling or standing. Every once in a while, she'll let one rip unabashedly, or her pussy lips will flutter and kiss the air. 

He is spellbound, white-knuckles clutching the barrier for dear life, for it is the only thing preventing him from going to her, as well as trying to relieve the boner that has developed. 

That boner turns into blue balls when she comes to the grand finale, a haunting song he will never forget. He has always loved the movies series,  _ Galaxy Wars _ , and especially the "Imperial March". However, the song is transformed when she performs her own version of it, entirely with her vagina. 

Not only is she musical, bewitching him with nary a word, but her pussy is truly magical. He wants to bask in her incredible talent, but there's one slight problem: he can feel a fart brewing. 

He holds it back, but he almost releases it when he hears an off note in her song, the lowest of the notes. It's a shame, and when she can't hit it a second time, he knows what he has to do. She'll have to make that sound near the end, and he won't let her ruin her own show. 

As he waits for the moment, he adjusts his stance for best sound quality, knowing he can't hold it back much longer. When the moment finally comes, he leans into his seat and lets it fly. 

It couldn't have sounded better if he had planned it with her. She makes her delicate note, and his resonates in the wood at the same time, making her look up momentarily in confusion. 

She doesn't know who did it at first, but she quickly finds out. He's blushing and hard as a rock, and everyone within a fifteen foot blast radius of him has backed away from the putrid smell that results from eating deep-fried carnival food all day. 

When their eyes meet, he can't look away. She peers at him, no longer upset but now curious. When her tongue flicks out in a circle, he cannot resist one hand going to his pants, palming himself, and her eyes drift down, zeroing in on his package. She stares until he unwillingly removes his hand, and he is rewarded when she finishes her song, never taking her eyes from him. 

He feels seen in a way he never has before. She isn't shy, nor afraid of him. If anything, she appears hungry.

Soon after, she bows, and the ringleader informs everyone that the performance is done. Ben lingers, drawn to Rey and wanting to compliment her. 

To his utter shock, she approaches him! The Queefing Queen herself strolls to stand in front of him in all her naked, musical glory. He's shaking like a leaf, giddy like a boy talking to his first crush, and he forces his eyes to remain on her face. 

She has the cutest little wave, just a slight little flick of the wrist, and her smile disarms him at once. "Hi, I'm Rey. Who are you? Did you like the show?"

"I'm Ben," he gets out, putting out a hand to shake. "Yes. I loved it. I'm sure you hear this all the time, but I've never met anyone so talented."

She smiles a little brighter, and he relaxes his shoulders, almost sure that she doesn't hate him for his little addition. As soon as he lets out the breath he was holding, she pounces, taking his hand.

"No, actually, I don't. People rarely stay. They all think I'm a freak, just another weirdo without feelings." Her eyes are so clear, and then resentment colors them. "I always feel so alone after these performances."

"You're not alone," he says, his free hand cupping her cheek. "I've always been avoided because of my...loud presence."

Her whole face changes, eyes softening and stiff back gone. Her other hand snatches his off her cheek and directs him with a firm tug toward the edge of the bench. 

"I'd like to talk to you about that, actually. Do you have a minute?" she asks, guiding him to the stage once he stands. 

"I have infinite time for you. Whatever you wish," he insists, his pants becoming too constraining. 

She grins and takes him behind the heavy curtains, revealing some acrobatic objects that he's sure she's used and large piles of hay and straw strewn everywhere. Leading him to a single, red blanket, she lays on her side and lifts her right leg, opening herself to him entirely.

It takes every ounce of his self-control not to stare at her lower half. He can't resist staring at her delightful breasts, though, at the contrast of pink to tanned flesh, and before he knows it, he's kneeling in the hay in front of her. She's up before he can blink, palming his erection.

"I see you  _ really  _ enjoyed my show," she purrs, and he moans as she tries to grasp him tighter. 

"Yes," he grits out. "Never met a girl who's not afraid to fart, nor so beautiful."

She knocks him onto his back with barely a push of her index finger. At this point, he is putty in her flexible limbs, ready to do her bidding if it means he can stay a little longer with her. 

As soon as he flops down, hay and straw fly about his person, and Rey climbs him like a tree, nimbly unbuttoning his red and black flannel. As her hands glide across his pale chest, she maps every mole and mark on it with her eyes and fingers. When she looks up, she settles her heated center against his groin, and it doesn't take long before he feels her wetness soak through his pants. 

His brain short-circuits at that realization. 

She tiptoes her fingers up his chest, until her perfect-sized breasts brush against his chest, making his hips jerk up, seeking friction. Her face is mere inches from his, and he can smell her wonderful, floral scent. 

"So, Ben...why did you choose that exact moment during my performance to fart?"

When it becomes clear she expects an answer, sweat beads on his forehead, and he bites his lower lip. She eyes him like a hunter, and the truth tumbles from his lips, hoping she understands. 

"You tried to hit that note earlier in your show, and it was off. I didn't want you to end it poorly after everything else was perfect," he stammers. "I love that song."

She smiles slightly. "I've been trying to hit that note for a long time. It's my dream to hit it one day, just like you can, O Fart Master." Booping his nose, she adds, "I need a teacher. Teach me your ways. It takes a lot of guts to do what you did."

"Or lots of greasy food," he replies, making her laugh. 

"You know what? I like you," she says, rubbing herself against his erection repeatedly. "I can't believe my performance affected you so much."

"You have  _ no  _ idea how much I wish I had a girl like you, talented, happy as herself, and not afraid of bodily functions," he whispers, leaning in. "You're everything I've ever wanted."

Sitting up, she scoots onto his chest. "Have sex with me."

He does a double-take, staring at her like she lifted rocks with her mind. "You want that...with me? A virgin?"

A shrewd look enters her eyes, and she lowers herself once more. "Oh yes. Definitely now. I only do it with clean guys since I like it raw." She eyes him hungrily. "I love the feel of skin against skin, and the sounds it creates. Everything is about the effect created." Hands going to his shoulders, she nuzzles him. "I had thought about seducing you when you farted earlier and showed how turned on you were, and now I  _ really  _ want to."

"Why?" he pants, trying to focus on the conversation. "I want you, but why me?"

"Because you're hot and are talented like me with your lower extremities," she answers, kissing him. "Besides, you're sweet and also  _ huge.  _ I've never been with such a big guy before."

He blushes, wondering if he should mention that she just took his first kiss, too. "I'll probably disappoint you. I won't last--"

"You don't have to," she promises, kissing him again, that time with an open mouth. "I'm already wet and close to coming from bumping up against you all this time." 

Her hands make quick work of his jeans, and they're shoved off, along with his shoes in minutes. When he's as naked as she is, she licks her lips and takes him in hand eagerly. 

"Rey?" he asks nervously.

"I was right. The longest and girthiest yet," she says by way of response, crawling up him. "I'm going to ride you like the wild stallion you are, and we're going to make the most beautiful music together."

He can't resist breaking wind again, nothing more than a slight ruffle of air between his cheeks that sounds more like a balloon deflating. As soon as she hears it, she grins and cuts the cheese in spectacular fashion, loud and raunchy, just the way he likes it. 

He's pretty sure he just fell in love with her for that alone, but he'll worry about that later. 

It's truly a match made in heaven between them, and he grabs one of her buns, pulling her down to him so he can show her just how much he appreciates her for doing that. 

As soon as their lips meet, sparks fly. He wants Rey in a way he's never wanted anyone before, and while he may be inexperienced, he's enthusiastic. He kisses her back until she slips her tongue inside his mouth, and it's all over. She tastes like cotton candy and everything good in life, and he  _ needs  _ her. As soon as he starts to explore her mouth, she pulls away, pupils dilated as she brings her breasts to his face. 

"I've seen the way you stare at them; I know you want to touch them," she murmurs, one nipple grazing his upper lip. "Your tongue is far better utilized wrapped around these with the pressure you use."

Christmas has come early. With one broad stroke, he savors her breast, loving her taste even more here. With each breathy moan she emits, he becomes bolder, eventually wrapping his tongue around her taut bud. The way she cries out makes everything worth it because he knows it's as good for her as it is for him.

When she begins guiding his attention to certain parts of her breasts, he learns quickly what she likes, and they create their own special song as he grunts and she moans. 

Everything is mind-blowing until she sits up, centering her slick opening over his cock. He can only watch in slack-jawed awe as she joins herself to him in the most intimate way possible, and he realizes that he has truly been missing out. 

The way her wet walls stretch to receive him is the most exquisite sensation he's ever felt. She contracts around him, slowly lowering herself onto him, and he almost comes just from the heavenly way her pussy swallows and fits him. 

"Oh, Ben," she sighs, eyes closing when he bottoms out inside her. "This is even better than I thought."

"So this is as good for you as it is for me?" he asks hopefully.

Her eyes flutter open, and she smiles exuberantly. "Yes. Your size is...perfect." Her face tilts up momentarily before she turns predatory. "You're going to ruin me for everyone else, and I want to be wrecked by you."

"Wrecked?" he asks worriedly, taking her hips in his hands. 

"I don't want to be able to walk normally; I want to feel you  _ everywhere _ ," she explains, lifting up and groaning as she takes him fully again.

The possessive, caveman part of his brain couldn't have been more excited by the prospect. He hates the idea of her with other men after him, but if he is the standard to which she measures all, that would make him happy. 

"Tell me how," he demands, gripping her tighter. 

"Just keep thrusting into me like you own me," she requests between shaky breaths, rocking against him at different speeds. "I'm not fragile. I want the most animalistic sex ever with you." She fixes him with a knowing look. "If you move enough, I might give you a private show."

"Now I definitely am," he responds, hips rising to meet hers. 

"Yes! Just like that. Do it again, Ben," she pants, her nails biting into his chest, and he feels alive in a way he never has before. 

They move as one, and it's sheer poetry. The rhythmic rise and fall of her body is all he ever needs to watch. She rolls her body so fluidly, and the way her breasts jump for him has him racing for his release. Her hair is quickly falling out of its buns, and it's long and magnificent, everything he didn't know he needed as it covers her shoulders and creates a special peep show for her nipples, each rosy peak sneaking out when she lifts her head.

The sounds they make together are even better. Their song now has three part harmony, especially with the needy sounds she makes as his thrusts become erratic and harder. The heady sound of skin slapping against wet skin is divine, and the way he slots inside her and unlocks even more unique sounds from her musical pussy is the only reason why he holds on. 

Now he understands why she wants no barrier between them, as their fevered coupling allows all sorts of new noises. Rey is positively ecstatic as she hits new notes she never could before, and he never wants it to end. 

"I'm close," she eventually grits out. "You're absolutely amazing, Ben. I love your magical cock. Here's the encore I promised."

She does an abbreviated version of the "Imperial March", and when it comes time to hit the low note, she slams onto him with all she has left. This time, she hits it, and he comes just from sheer joy and the way she clenches around him. 

As he warbles her name, she touches herself and follows him into sweet oblivion. She collapses on top of him, peppering his face with kisses and repeating his name dreamily before pulling off of him. 

"I have finally achieved my life's dream of making the perfect song, and it's all thanks to you," she says beaming, bending to stroke his cock. "Thank you. On to a new one."

He blushes, admiring her wild hair and the bits of straw that stick out. It makes her all the better in his eyes, even as he grows forlorn to be ending their encounter. His voice trembles. "What will your new dream be?"

"I don't know yet. It could be you," she muses, gifting him a megawatt smile that turns his insides to mush as she makes invisible designs on his chest. "Would you like that?"

His heart pounds, and his palms become clammy. Could it be? Could he have found  _ the one?  _ The farting farm-wife of his dreams?

"Do you like animals?" he asks, cradling her hips. "Please say yes."

"Of course I do! The animals are my best friends here. Who doesn't love animals?" she asks, shaking her head with a sparkle in her eyes. "Why?"

"Do you like hay and straw?" 

He says it with a serious look as he digs in his nearby jeans pocket, and he's so confused when she laughs at him.

"Ben, we just made love in straw. Yes." She leans in, brushing her nipples against his chest, making both of them shiver. "Why?"

"I know I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my house keys. Come home with me…maybe?" he blurts, offering his keys to her. 

He can't hear anything but the sound of blood rushing through his ears. She's just staring at him, with a big, dopey grin on her face, and he can't tell if that's a yes or she's amused by him.

"It's just...no one accepts me as I am...farts and all. You do," he explains, blushing. 

"Isn't this all a little fast?" she asks, a little breathless, leaning up slightly so she can run her hands up and down his chiseled chest. "Aren't you worried about my past, or how I'll make you look--"

"No. I'm a farmer who lives in the middle of nowhere with a family nearby who will love you. It's just you, me, and the animals...and all the hay we need in order to practice new songs," he says, stroking her swollen, lower lips. 

Her whole face lights up, decision made. "This is all absolutely nuts, but yes. I want that." She grows quiet as a grin splits his face. "I've never had a home before. Just the circus." Smiling impishly, she adds, "And having your magical cock anytime I want sounds wonderful."

"I'll always smell like this," he warns her, and she grins. "There's always something new on the farm."

She starts to slide up his body, only to queef softly. She doesn't miss a beat. "I'm ready to begin the next adventure of my life with you."

"I'll fart to that."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
